God's Perfect Timing

As I have become immersed in this Life Certification certification program, I have been faced with many challenges. I have looked inside, and found some things I'm not exactly on target with; like the dreaded treadmill. I hate the treadmill, and the only thing that prompted me to use it is the desire to lose the last 20 lbs of my marriage, and to not waste the money used to purchase this for me as a gift. However, I have found, that maybe I'm not ready to lose the last 20 lbs. As a matter of fact, once I proposed the 5 x 30 x 4 program (5 days, 30 minutes, 4 weeks).....I faced the challenge of follow through, which is exactly what I will hope to see from any person I may have the privilege to coach. When I accepted the challenge for the treadmill I did ok the first week, then I went camping for a week, and by the time I got back, I wrenched my right knee pretty bad when I attempted to hoist the kitty litter (28 lbs) into the trunk of my car. I didn't hear anything pop (maybe I didn't tear the ACL, or the minuscus), but my knee and the muscles around it did not move together. I have been in pain, have no insurance, and have babied the knee since. Not a time for an injury since I was laid off. SO, the pressure of the treadmill of off, but it makes me wonder about God's perfect timing.

During this certification program, I have previously discussed the challenge to find my authentic self. What has bothered me all this time is the fact that for the first time in 15 years, I have been without a church. I left my church last year when my marriage was falling apart. You may wonder why would choose to leave at that point? Well, there were specific reasons; and I don't need to begin a diatribe about that, but let's assume the reasons were good for me at that time. Even through the divorce, I missed my church family, but I stayed away from most....holding just two or three friends close. Again, there were good reasons. However, the challenge to find my authentic self.....includes church. When I realized how church identified my authentic self I became sad I was not attending my church. I also realized I needed to really look at the possibility of returning. I requested prayer "for clarity of thought". I sought Godly counsel from women I trust. I had the information I needed to make a decision. Two days after my prayer request, I woke up with a very peaceful feeling....I realized that as much as I willingly left my church, I needed to just let things be. A very close friend told me I was more loving than she would have been....now, don't think harshly...she spoke out of my sadness of not returning.

So, when I speak of God's Perfect Timing I really need to share three examples. Sometimes we just don't know what God has in mind...Here's what I discovered.

I had made a decision a few months ago to do what I could to reconcile with those I may have injured, those I felt abandoned by, rejected by....oh, what divorce can do to your logic~ Given this desire, I decided I would accept any social invitation I received, regardless of the people I may be mingling with. I would accept with fear, but knew God would take care of me. On one of these invites I was able to connect with women from church; from my Worship Team, whom I have missed, and hoped would welcome me. If not, so be it, but it wouldn't be for me "not trying." The evening was a success, I had a blast, and was able to reconcile with two who may have had reservations about me. They embraced me.....and I embraced them; so much that I felt a lot of fear fade away.

The next example of God's Perfect Timing was another attempt by me to reconcile with someone I had very anxious feelings regarding a friendship. When I connected?....at first it was very unsettling. I shared my fears, and the outcome I had come to....but upon her response, I realized how wrong I was, but I also realized that over the time of our friendship.....neither of us was really honest with each other regarding "the marriage".....and when the truth came out I realized she really understood, and we actually agreed on many tenants. We each apologized and we are good.

The third example of God's Perfect Timing was the lunch I had with a dear friend who I - basically - judged. Shame on me, and although I knew I was unfair, pride got in my way, and the relationship was stagnant through the process of my divorce. Recently, we communicated via email, which was a first step forward, but I still needed to apologize, in person; hence the lunch date this week, and she was gracious enough to tell me 'all is well.'

OK, so there's a fourth example of God's Perfect Timing! While I was lunching with my friend I shared my attempt to find good reason to return to church. Albeit I left, I did so to send up as many red flags as possible! I was drowning in my prison, and I needed someone to rescue me....or at least come by my side. Those intimate friends who held on to me knew I was approaching my breaking point, and one knew I was on survival mode, when she hugged me one Sunday morning, and whispered in my ear, You're on survival mode, aren't you,? to which I whispered a soft cry, "Yes, I am....." This was the only necessary comment. My friend knew exactly what was involved. My other two friends were not far behind. My lunch friend told me I had every right to return to the church even though my ex-husband attends; I'm told infrequently. I drove home in the hope this is God's will. There are a few who are concerned I might expect too much in a return. Would I be received with love? They do not want me to be hurt, but let me say, in my Godly counsel, I identified this experience as a time to "face my giants." My lunch friend asked me who the giant was? The church...or...my ex-husband. I responded, "My ex-husband."

You see I am not quite ready to forgive, and even though I know I need to in order to continue to receive God's grace, and ironically enough, my devotions this week have focused on forgiveness, I am aware and praying for God to heal my heart. There are more days that go by without any thought of the struggles, or the pain. This is improvement. I have many in my corner, and I am blessed to call them friends. I continue to pray for God's will in my life.....and I have a prayer posse who is with me, supporting me; however, I'm sure they're still wondering why I haven't given it ALL up to God yet? You see, everything is in God's Perfect Timing.

You should know, I will say my little ditty, referred to in a previous blog.

God, if it's good for me, let me have it; and if not...take it away.