Walking the Talk

Saturday's Life Coach training session caught me off guard. I had set goals, to exercise 5 days, 30 minutes, for 4 weeks. I was so pumped up because I want to lose the last 20 lbs of my 5 year marriage. As I shed the weight, psychologically I am coming back to who I was physically before I remarried. Coming back to who I was emotionally and spiritually will take a little longer. I'ts not that I dwell on the pains of the marriage, because I certainly don't think about the marriage every day, but the aftermath of the marriage has caused changes in my spirit.

The Life Coach training has challenged me....and to explain being caught off guard? I did not follow through with the exercise plan. I only exercised 4 days. Why? I had to help my daughter with something, and when I returned home, I didn't go out of my way to exercise...I got busy with other stuff. Why? I chose to not hold myself accountable for Thursday's exercise. And I don't have a good reason either. When challenged with the idea of using the treadmill - believe me - I really wasn't looking forward to it. I hate to exercise. I even named my exercise program, the "get it over with program"....to induce a motivation within my mind for the goal I would like to reach. When I had to explain to my trainer the lack of exercise on Thursday, I was actually embarrassed to state I didn't have any excuse. It wasn't like the errand I ran with my daughter took all day. I realized I don't have any problem letting myself off the hook. Certainly, this is not walking the talk. This morning, I was on the treadmill, but within 15 minutes I was nauseous...so I think I need to tweak the schedule. Not like this is rocket science, but perhaps I should eat before I exercise?

While writing this entry, I have had to say to myself "You know why you can let go of the schedule, the exercise, etc".....I think I've been in a period of personal rebellion. I was so controlled in my marriage, I think I'm kinda relieving myself of the guilt posed on me when I changed any schedule in the 5 year marriage. I think I'm just trying to make decisions again, without someone over my shoulder questioning every decision. This is why the emotional and spiritual part of me will take longer. He beat me down.....and it takes just a wee bit more time to rise above the crap.

Another challenge to come out of Saturday's session was the realization I have become not only complacent, I have been polarized (particularly on the recent rainy days)...where I just sit at my computer, and sometimes stare out the window at the rain. I know I've been trying to be frugal with my money, strategizing my errands, planning better, and only shopping for perishables when needed. I eat most my meals here at home using the food in the house, and have not fallen prey to cravings. I think I'm ok, but I have to say this time off thing is beginning to bother me. I don't feel like I'm contributing to anything right now. I have fallen into periods of lonliness, and have done my best to not fall into depression.

Given all this, I still need to address the idea of setting my goals for the day, and accomplishing them. I need to follow through in order to be authentic and genuine when I actually begin my coaching business. I'm not striving for perfection, but I think I should be striving for accountability to myself.